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before starting ivf, the idea of it was crushing to me. i deeply wanted to believe that it would be possible for us to conceive naturally, and involving modern medicine felt cold and sterile and somehow less magical. but as time went on, my heart broke one too many times, and eventually i knew i was ready. i also knew if we were going to take this path, the last thing i wanted was to feel like a victim. as someone surrounded by friends and family getting pregnant with ease (and as someone with a needle phobia!), this was easier said than done.⁣
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but life's circumstances ended up being my greatest teachers (as per usual), and after a lot of tears and processing, i began to embrace my path. we emptied out the room we'd hoped might become a nursery one day and created a sacred place for my daily injections. each day, before i gave myself 3-4 shots, we sat, lit a candle, put on some music, said some words of intention, and meditated over my syringes to try and infuse them with as much love as possible. what i feared would be cold and sterile became one of the most love-filled and sacred experiences of my life, and how we ended up bringing our daughter into the world now feels like the most meaningful and powerful way we could have done it.⁣
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the footage used in this music video is from our third ivf egg retrieval, which (like most of ivf) was an emotional roller coaster. after my daily blood draw and scan, we would walk in the woods and try to talk ourselves back to being whole. every day a new worry or fear would arise, and we would spend the next many hours trying to remind ourselves to surrender, to keep open, to keep learning, to keep looking for the love that was still in our lives. the hardest part was working to believe that if at the end of all of this there still was no baby--we would still find joy, we would still create meaning and purpose in our lives, and we would still, ultimately, eventually, be okay. though that headspace was tricky to find and trickier to stay in, there was so much beauty in accessing that delicate little place where the light lives, a place that's always there for us. touching that spot is what this song, "light", is about.

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Light Lyrics

I found a light inside inside me
That’s burning even in the rain
And even when I’m sighing
I know that somehow I’m okay

I found a light, I found a light
Growing in the space between

There is no word to claim it
And thinking only makes it gray
And only in this silence
Have I began to see the way

I found a light, I found a light
Growing in the space between
Just close your eyes, just close your eyes
feel it underneath what’s seen

When we were young we had it
We were a part of everything
And maybe it’s not lost
And maybe this is all a dream

We had it all, we have it
We had it all, we have it

I found a light, I found a light
Growing in the space between
Just close your eyes, just close your eyes
Feel it underneath what’s seen

We had it all, we have it
We had it all, we have it