yup

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to whom this may concern
my name is Richard M Giese and I have decided to end my life tonight
This isn't an act of agression or vengence towards any one. I just feel like I don't have a place here anymore and I don't think I ever did. I'd prefer to choose my end before the end finds me and I use to be so afraid to write something like this but I'm not scared. I'm not afraid anymore. I'm not here to prove some grand point in order to justify why I did this or what was my ultimate purpose for coming into this world because I've concluded that I never found my purpose. I tried my absolulte hardest to push those feelings of worthlessness off of me but can't fight it anymore.
I would say im sorry but im not. This was for me and while that may sound selfish, I pushed everyone away years ago.
I made it impossible for you to help
to my sister
I know we've disagreed on so many ideologies and fundamental core values but you were always so respectful and you should be proud that you're one of the good ones. keep your head help high because you have so much to look forward to in your remaining years. Try to understand that I fell out of touch because I didn't know what to say, not because I didnt deeply care for you. Even tho I was the broken weird kid growing up you always had my back and you should never forget that.
to my brother
I wish I didnt treat everything like a competition. We are so different yetso similar. Some of my favorite memories are waking up early and playing videogames with you and ive used that warmth to guide me through some of my worst moments. Sometimes I threw you under the bus and ill never forgive myself for that but I hope you can forgive me. I know you always meant well and you've built a life for yourself and I've never been happier to see you succeed.
to my father.
You told me I was a degrace when your mother died and I never really shook that. I know we've had our issues but underneath it all I admire you so much. I hated you for such a large portion of my life but as I grew up I realized that you always had my best interest in mind. I know you still think i'm a sociopath and I don't blame you for coming to that conclusion but understand that I put my walls up as a defense mechanism to protect myself. I could blame you for contributing to my inability to let anyone in, but I know that would be a lie. You did your best and that's all I could have asked for.
PS Im sorry I never paid you back the 4000 for my first tour. I know the resentment grew not because you needed the money but because I failed to keep my promise. You raised me to be better than that.
to my mother
I know this is going to hit you the hardest and I don't want to be anymore of a burdain. I love you so fucking much and I wish you could hold me tonight when I take my last breath the same way you held me in the hospital when you let me take my first. Above everyone else, you meant the most. You didn't give up on me. I know we stopped saying I love you awhile ago but I love you and your snide comments always came from a place of understanding. I can still remember the first time I told you I was having suicidal thoughts a decade ago and how your voice quivered when you spoke about your fear of me living alone. That stayed with me and even though you were never affectionate I know you care about me and I regret not verbalizing my feelings more often. I'm asking you to please move on from my passing and let yourself live again. Life can be so beautiful and while my memories will linger, I checked out a long time ago.
I love all of you so much and im so sorry.